Love in Bloom

Oh man. I just got hit hard, square in the jaw. Why do I do this to myself? I just spent how many weeks watching this relationship develop, only to see it shattered tonight. I am sick - for having wasted my time on this! I'm talking about Jason - the Bachelor. What a creep. Oh- Melissa - I love you. Oh, wait, maybe I don't. Oh, Molly it is you I love. HUH???? What a guy. THIS IS EXACTLY why I love being my age. No man would do that to me. First, because I wouldn't get on a TV show like that, but second, because I am wiser and a little more astute. Aren't I?

I just got an email today from a long time friend. Like me, she broke up with her significant other after a relationship of many years and a settled existence. She once told me, not everyone can do what you did and start again. Some of us aren't that strong. But she did it. And she has just told me she is in love! Oh yeah! And the guy has a kid and they are mad about each other (she and the guy, I don't know about the kid). I am sooooo happy for her - and a little jealous. I want that too. I have been in love for several years, but alas, my guy is not "in love with" me. He loves me and would walk over fire for me. But he claims he is not in love with me. Sigh. But I am in love with him. Such is life.

I convince myself most days that I will never find someone else. This is it and if he doesn't love me in that way, well, that's life. Sometimes I think I convince myself of this to protect myself because I can't imagine having to be disappointed again. Sometimes, I don't know how I feel because age is a big issue. Arggggghhhhh. Where is the roadmap? Where are the instructions? I just want to tell him - take the leap, take the chance. But I guess it's easier to say that from my position of seeing life behind me and he sees it in front of him. I feel guilty sometimes that I want him to take this leap, when he clearly wants the traditional family. I wish I had that family. I never had kids. I wanted to, but a bit late now. I know...foster, adoption, etc. But I don't think I can be a single mom and do it all. I barely can take care of myself.

Ok. I'm rambling now. Damn Bachelor. Got me all shook up.