Sunday, July 5, 2009


I want to rumminate on one of my favorite things in life - SEX. Oh, to revel between the sheets and enjoy the pleasure that my body can produce for me. We are miraculous beings, but sometimes work against ourselves. I have 2 friends that are currently doing without, another who has a line formed at her door, and me - who is currently without partner - for whom sex is a significant topic in our lives. I'm sure sex is important to other friends too. We just don't talk about it.

As Diane Keaton so marvelously put it in the great movie, Something's Gotta Give, "Oh, I do love sex." Well put. I may not look like it, but I am a sex kitten - love it, everyday, twice a day, all ways, woot. Unfortunately I don't have a partner at the moment. A friend said, oh - I can't believe you can't go out and get laid! To which I said, uh - I don't know. I haven't tried. While I am an avid fan of sex - I am also built with the psyche of a straight-laced woman who is not mentally prepared for one night stands. I wasn't up for that in college (and wondered why I didn't have any offers, duh), I wasn't up for that while I was married (to an a-sexual spouse - let's leave that story for the professionals), and I am not up for it now. I'm not a prude, but I just can't take my clothes off, get below or on top of, someone I just met. Call me crazy.

Now I have another friend who recently has been dating a man with whom she gets along well, has fun, likes to be around, but decided he just wasn't going to be a long term prospect. She said she broke up with him, which actually meant, took him out of her potential long term relationship pool. So I asked the obvious question for a fellow traveler in the sexual desert - Did you at least get some sex? Her response was devestating to me. I was ready to live vicariously through her thrill ride. "No," she said, "I could have, but didn't think I should because..." Her voice trailed off for me. How could she pass up an opportunity like this? She knows the guy, likes him, is comfortable with him, and he is not looking for a long term partnership. I get that she is looking for love, but this is a golden opportunity. Well, she didn't see it that way, something about getting stuck if she slept with the guy. Hmmmm.

I have a third friend, a guy, who is taking a break from sexual liaisons at the moment. He has always been a go slow guy, but not so slow that he doesn't have a regular sex partner on call or in his life. He also has a bevy of volunteers, to whom he always says no. He's not looking to be a player, just a regular. Anyway, he is taking a break that is reminiscent of George Costanza - Seinfeld - where he becomes brilliant when he abstains from sex. Of course his condition completely reverses itself the minute he gives in and has sex with some woman. My friend is looking for clarity, focus, and wants to be without the distraction that comes with regular sex - that would be the woman who expects to be part of your life sometimes. So I asked him if this abstinence included the m-word and if he was king of his castle. No, no - daily self-love is not restricted. Well, there you have it, I said. Guys have it easy. Of course you can do without the complications of a woman when you are gratifying yourself daily, creating those endorfins, and feeling at least marginally satisfied. His retort to me was, "well, men are not the only ones who can self-gratify." Oh - wicked comeback. Not. It isn't the same for women, I protested.

In fact, I have great ambivalence in that area. I resort to self-gratification on occassion, but what I want is the entire thrill ride. Sex is more than just bodily response - it is also knowing that you are with another human being who has some interest in being there and with whom you are engaging in the most primitive ritual on the planet. To be in sync with another body, simultaneously breathing and heaving, hearing their voice in your ear, feeling their skin touch yours...Yeah. Where is my ac remote. Hot in here.

So the quest goes on. I do love sex, but as I define it.

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