50 is the new 50?

I just got More magazine delivered (a dear friend got me a subscription - print! how quaint!). On the cover is Holly Hunter, one of my favorite actresses, with the screaming headline "51." What? I had no idea she and I are so close in age. Of course on the cover, she looks fabulous! Doesn't look 50 at all. She looks something much less than 50! Of course, in my mind's eye, so do I. But when I see her on this cover and bring up my mental image of myself, I realize that apparently, I am the new 50. So instead of thinking of myself as something less than the dreaded 50, because I certainly don't look 50 and don't act anything like 50...maybe I need to redefine what 50 is.

Blooming in Midlife (I link to it in my blogroll) is one of my favorite writers and she wrote a very similar post a while back. I just didn't get it then. Now I have my own context, and I get it very clearly. I don't need to be 30, I just need to have the world redefine 50, starting with me!

I went to a bar on Saturday night for a quick pop-in. I was with a 30-something girlfriend who was visiting from out of town. I wasn't dressed, my hair looked like crap, and we just wanted a beer to refresh ourselves. She also was not dressed up, her hair looked like crap, and - you've probably guessed the rest. Bees to the honey as they say - every young guy in a 10 foot radius tried to start up a conversation with her. Not so with me. But, I've been to this bar before and had guys strike up conversations - older guys. So I know I am capable of attracting would be conversationalists! But the bar was filled with younger guys this night. And it became quite apparent to me that my 50 is not the new 30, but is 50. But the difference between my idea of 50 and the conventional idea of 50 is that I did not look out of place in this bar and I was very comfortable being there. I don't think anyone thought I was too old to be there or too old to be hanging out on a Saturday night. But they didn't mistake me for my 30ish friend either.

So ladies - 50 and over (and those who see it coming up fast on your horizon) - be 50 as YOU define it. Don't compromise, don't settle, live life as you wish, and have fun. We are fabulous. We just aren't 30.

"Self Portrait, Rear View" Sharon Olds (Def Poetry)

A treat! Listen to this sister.

Vacation

Went on vacation for 10 days. Feel great! Weekend getaways are nice, but to really decompress, forget about work, and lose yourself, you need more time. I know the vacation was a succes because I forgot my work computer login when I rebooted my laptop today! Ahhhhhhh.

So a successful vacation should have at least one, if not all of these activities
1. shoe shopping - cute new mary-janes in leather, perfect for summer fun
2. pedicure - toes have to look good in the new shoes (that have cut-outs through which to view said toes)
3. catching up with girlfriends - and new stories to tell!
4. hotel indulgence - I love hotel towels, plush bedding, and valet parking.
5. hot sex - sadly, this makes my list but not my reality. foo-ey

So, one of my girlfriends was relaying her most recent Matchbook or Matchface or whatever the online dating service is, and she had an interesting connection. I was so proud of her for standing up to mr. quasi-ethics who tried to play fast and loose with the truth. So here's her story...
She is fervently anti-smoking. She notes on her profile that it is a deal breaker. So she meets up with this guy who she has spent a lot of time on the phone with and he seems great! All is going well on the date, until he says something about smoking. Uh, what? Hmm. Seems he "indulges" in a smoke on rare occasions. Now I've been known to sneak a cig when I've been drinking a wee bit too much, so slip ups do occur. But unfortunately, our Romeo-to-be indulges a bit more frequently. Apparently, for him, he likes to smoke when playing pool. Ok. Guys will be guys. It's almost a bit of a macho cliche - Brando-esque! In some dive pool hall, looking tough, smokin' a cig. Well, the smoke thickens. She goes to his place (innocently, don't get ahead of yourselves). Lo and behold - he has a pool table in his basement and the room smells of (drum roll, please) smoke. Uh, want to explain yourself buddy? What a guy!! So he lied that he was a non-smoker on his profile, then lies that he smokes more than occassionally, and does it in his house. Well, sometimes people panic, right? So let's hear the explanation - oh and this is a good one. He actually said this..."I didn't want to say anything in case it didn't work out between us. But since it is working out, I figured I could quit. I'll do it for you." AAAHHHHHAAAHHHHHAAA (sound of my friend running from the house LOL).

Why do people feel the need to tell fibs, tell lies, and then compound it with another tall tale????
If they guy had been upfront - he might have had a chance. But to suggest he was waiting to see how things went? Tell her what she's won - a date who will quit smoking for you! Thanks, but no thanks. My friend did not need a nicotene fitted lunatic who would blame her for his weight gain as he gives up his occassional smokes and his smelly pool table.

The dating pool is a dangerous place - sharks, poisonous blowfish, camafloughed jellyfish, and other bottom feeders. Aren't there any tropical lagoons like in the magazines?? Just sayin.

What is age appropriate?

I just went out for a girls' night with my old college roommate. We had a blast. We usually see each other once a year, are Facebook friends, and keep up by phone a few times a year. We were quite the party girls in college and she hasn't stopped. I've never known anyone quite like her - she bar hops all the time, throws parties, goes to parties, travels with friends, and carries on like a 20-something. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I chalk it up to my friend just being who she is and don't rate myself in comparison. But I have to wonder if that lifestyle isn't why she has had many more relationships and dates than I have even thought of! She has a child who is in college, but her kid's age never slowed my friend down. This is not an empty nester going wild (ooh - cool video series idea!), but someone who has been fun-loving and energetic her entire life.

Though I don't live my life in the fast lane like her, we are very much alike. We both believe in doing what we want to do, and living life to the fullest - in whatever manner we want. She parties and socializes. I work on causes and politics. Her style enables her to engage with people constantly, and she is now in marketing - seems reasonable. My style enables me to be somewhat isolated but engaged in meaningful activites. This suits my career choice. However, it does not do much for my social life.

So as I rode the train home this morning (no propositions on this trip, thank gawd), I thought about how my life needs to change again. I am in a career that is considered solitary in style. It takes up all my time (and most days I don't work enough). So if I stay with this career, as I have been doing for the last 20 years, I can't expect to be engaged with a big social whirl. I am very good at what I do, but increasingly dissatisfied with it as a personal choice. It has it's frustrations, as most careers do, but these are really bothering me these days. I have so much ambition and drive, interest in the subject matter that I take on daily, but am constrained by the conservative environment of a large organizational structure in which I work.

I'm thinking of breaking out - but feel completely hemmed in by my benefits - retirement contribution, health benefits, steady income. In this economy I can't give that up because I chaffe at my frustrations, can I? Yes, I could, but what really hit me was that I would be putting myself in a vulnerable position without retirement and health insurance. At my age - doesn't that sound awful! - but it is true. At my age I need a safety net. I don't have any inheritance coming and no husband to catch me. I am frightened that I am so frightened! I want to be that carefree college girl who was ready to take on anything and had plenty of time. Now I don't feel like time is on my side. There is an air of practicality that fills my space and I don't like it. What's next? Will I take up with whoever I can find so I have a safety net? Will I become compliant and milquetoast to ensure I keep my job and not rock the boat? These behaviors would require a personality transplant on my part! I'll keep thinking on it. Tough choices - but that's what I like - a challenge!!

Random

Time to lighten up! Spring is here. Time to feel good.

What gets in the way of feeling good at our age?
For me, my body keeps changing - my sleep pattern changes, my energy level changes, my mood changes. This is for the birds. I don't see this happening to Hillary Clinton!

My body can't seem to handle alcohol anymore. I think this is why elderly people are alcoholics. I am not elderly - but as we age, the metabolism changes. And one drink leads to another, and another, and well, before you know it I have flown right past the point of sensability. In earlier posts I said I was drinking to escape, etc. I had a breakthrough in my awareness of this. But what I see now is that in addition to that is that my body cannot handle it. I can give up alcohol, but my experience has been a big surprise!

I am coming up on what would have been my 30th wedding anniversary. I thought about this because I was thinking about mom. This year I am the same age my mother was when I got married. That's a sobering thought! My life is nothing like hers and my outlook and approach to life is nothing like hers. Have things changed that much in 30 years? What's really scary is that I have a complete set of memories of my mom during my adult life. I saw and in her later years was an active participant in her life. She changed dramatically during that time and died 30 years later. Whoa. I hope my life continues to be a complete departure from hers. I don't like the previews.

My last random thought has to do with makeup. I wore it when I was in my teens and 20s. Gave it up after that. Couldn't stand it on my face which was always on the brink of breaking out. I lived in a very hot climate and makeup sweating off your face is not really attractive. But these days, I find my face color is blotchy and not as attractive as I would like. So I went back to the Isle of Olay and took the right turn at the Covergirl spot. I had seen an ad for a Covergirl/Olay product advertised by Ellen! She looked great in the ad and she has a beautiful wife, so I figured, maybe this product would make me attractive. I have used the foundation and I like it! It is just sheer enough so it is not visible, but it covers the blotches and red spots, giving a nice even tone. It's easy to put on and blend because you put it on with a little sponge. But last night I was perspiring and used my dinner napkin to blot my forehead and yep, there was the makeup on my napkin. Hmm. Guess I have to learn a little more about how to apply. However - this makeup does not cake in your wrinkles - the big ad feature and it lives up to the hype! It has Olay Regenerist syrum and Covergirl foundation. I can live with this.

Enjoy spring - get out and about! I feel good!

Does this pass the smell test?

The days fly by and there never seems to be enough time to get everything done. I couldn't in good conscience stop to write on this blog while there was mountains of work to do could I? Or maybe I just wasn't motivated to write about girl-power. I was busy learning some new technology, busy being fabulous at my job, and saving the world. But today, I was brought back to earth. Yowza, was I ever.

I have been feeling very productive and powerful - doing a good job at the office, accomplishing things, being a good colleague. I took a new job this year, same career, but very different location. I am in a much more "traditional" work environment and I am not used to this. So I have had a nagging issue since October. I have dutifully tried to run it up the chain of command and every time I pushed it up, it came back down. I finally had to push it up to the 2nd in command and I knew he had the power to fix the problem. I carefully laid out the issue and asked for his assistance. He pushed it back down with a really silly read on the situation. I pushed it back to him pointing out some additional information and making my point firmly, but politely - asceding to his position. What's the title of the popular book about women execs - something like Good Girls don't get to the top. Yeah, in spades.

So I had kept a colleague apprised who used to have my position. He has been very helpful in helping me navigate this organization and helping me understand the river of decisions and projects that I was jumping into. Now the problem that came up in October, started on his watch and it was up to me to finish it up. So my colleague swoops in and sends a very chummy/clubby email to the #2 honcho and offers "let's go have a cup of coffee and I will spell it all out." Next thing I know the honcho has done exactly what I asked and gets the problem solved. He follows it up with an email to my colleague - thanks for the explanation. Once I understood the situation it made sense to take action. Uh, hello? I did the same thing and got slapped down. The guys get together and gee, Beaver, everything is great!

Ok, so I understand the old boys network is part of my current environment. I can deal with that. So I see the honcho today at an event and thank him for taking action and solving our problem. He says, and no kidding here - to my face, "oh that was xxxx (my colleague). He got this settled. Once he offered the solution and laid it out, it was easy. I didn't do anything, blah, blah, blah."

Did I mention that I am the unit leader and my colleague works for me? It's not quite that rigid, but there is at least a modicum of chain of command in my workplace. So maybe I should have soft sold the honcho and invited him to coffee and explained all this to him so he would feel ok about doing his job. Or my colleague could have suggested the strategy to me as the preferred method in our workplace's culture. But just swoop in, fix it, cut me out of the deal (which I had made peace with and could let go), but then slapped down AGAIN by the honcho and infer that I was not capable and if not for my colleague with the brilliant answer (the same one I proposed) - well who knows what would have happened.

I really don't have time for petty stuff and I am not trying to blow this up into a wah, wah, I was ignored. But this has the distinct whiff of sexism. I may not be the worlds greatest manager and I certainly don't have the same style as my colleague and the honcho. I could certainly use some work on adapting to a new workplace culture, but I can't help but think this one does not pass the smell test. Am I being too thin skinned here? After all, the problem was resolved, just as I wanted, but what about next time? How do I handle the honcho next time? Starbucks, I guess.

Port in a Storm?

I just talked with a friend who has been preparing to leave her husband. She had planned to get all her "ducks in a row" before dropping the bomb. But as these things usually go, she got into an argument with him, and let it rip. He made some dumb statements because he is defensive. She took up a position that is righteous, but unproductive, and you probably can see where this is going.

I told her that I wished I had gotten better advice before I legally took the plunge only because I thought it would be easy, and the aftermath has been less easy. I didn't have kids or much property and she has both. My spouse and I found a way to split in an amicable way, but it didn't mean we knew what we were doing. I was penny wise and pound foolish and should have gotten a good legal consultation. Would have made things less traumatic.

My friend has discovered that her family finances are not completely in both of their names. Seems that accounts for the kids are only listed with him and there is at least one bank account that is his only. She was surprised when the bank would not give her any info on those accounts. Hello! If you don't know those basic facts, you really need legal representation. It's a minefield she is walking into. I'll be her friend and support her emotionally as best I can. She did that for me and I have done it for her before. It is what friends do.

So she had this funny take on things. She said she expected to be alone in her later life because she just hasn't met men who have it together, can keep up with her, and are worth having around. I hear ya, sister. But her solution is to make a pact with a female friend to be there for each other. She said, "it would be like a lesbian relationship without the sex." I don't know that she has made a very good analogy, but it got me to thinking that as we all get older, we may need some kind of communal lifestyle. Who wants to live isolated in some bee-hive of a condo in Miami, alone. Not me. And I have no interest in living in a secluded "retirement" community. I want to continue being actively engaged in the world. I also don't want to be alone. I like being around people. I may or may not find a man to be in relationship with, so why not form a pact with women friends? I would love to hear about other women's experiences in this type of arrangement.