Does this pass the smell test?

The days fly by and there never seems to be enough time to get everything done. I couldn't in good conscience stop to write on this blog while there was mountains of work to do could I? Or maybe I just wasn't motivated to write about girl-power. I was busy learning some new technology, busy being fabulous at my job, and saving the world. But today, I was brought back to earth. Yowza, was I ever.

I have been feeling very productive and powerful - doing a good job at the office, accomplishing things, being a good colleague. I took a new job this year, same career, but very different location. I am in a much more "traditional" work environment and I am not used to this. So I have had a nagging issue since October. I have dutifully tried to run it up the chain of command and every time I pushed it up, it came back down. I finally had to push it up to the 2nd in command and I knew he had the power to fix the problem. I carefully laid out the issue and asked for his assistance. He pushed it back down with a really silly read on the situation. I pushed it back to him pointing out some additional information and making my point firmly, but politely - asceding to his position. What's the title of the popular book about women execs - something like Good Girls don't get to the top. Yeah, in spades.

So I had kept a colleague apprised who used to have my position. He has been very helpful in helping me navigate this organization and helping me understand the river of decisions and projects that I was jumping into. Now the problem that came up in October, started on his watch and it was up to me to finish it up. So my colleague swoops in and sends a very chummy/clubby email to the #2 honcho and offers "let's go have a cup of coffee and I will spell it all out." Next thing I know the honcho has done exactly what I asked and gets the problem solved. He follows it up with an email to my colleague - thanks for the explanation. Once I understood the situation it made sense to take action. Uh, hello? I did the same thing and got slapped down. The guys get together and gee, Beaver, everything is great!

Ok, so I understand the old boys network is part of my current environment. I can deal with that. So I see the honcho today at an event and thank him for taking action and solving our problem. He says, and no kidding here - to my face, "oh that was xxxx (my colleague). He got this settled. Once he offered the solution and laid it out, it was easy. I didn't do anything, blah, blah, blah."

Did I mention that I am the unit leader and my colleague works for me? It's not quite that rigid, but there is at least a modicum of chain of command in my workplace. So maybe I should have soft sold the honcho and invited him to coffee and explained all this to him so he would feel ok about doing his job. Or my colleague could have suggested the strategy to me as the preferred method in our workplace's culture. But just swoop in, fix it, cut me out of the deal (which I had made peace with and could let go), but then slapped down AGAIN by the honcho and infer that I was not capable and if not for my colleague with the brilliant answer (the same one I proposed) - well who knows what would have happened.

I really don't have time for petty stuff and I am not trying to blow this up into a wah, wah, I was ignored. But this has the distinct whiff of sexism. I may not be the worlds greatest manager and I certainly don't have the same style as my colleague and the honcho. I could certainly use some work on adapting to a new workplace culture, but I can't help but think this one does not pass the smell test. Am I being too thin skinned here? After all, the problem was resolved, just as I wanted, but what about next time? How do I handle the honcho next time? Starbucks, I guess.

Port in a Storm?

I just talked with a friend who has been preparing to leave her husband. She had planned to get all her "ducks in a row" before dropping the bomb. But as these things usually go, she got into an argument with him, and let it rip. He made some dumb statements because he is defensive. She took up a position that is righteous, but unproductive, and you probably can see where this is going.

I told her that I wished I had gotten better advice before I legally took the plunge only because I thought it would be easy, and the aftermath has been less easy. I didn't have kids or much property and she has both. My spouse and I found a way to split in an amicable way, but it didn't mean we knew what we were doing. I was penny wise and pound foolish and should have gotten a good legal consultation. Would have made things less traumatic.

My friend has discovered that her family finances are not completely in both of their names. Seems that accounts for the kids are only listed with him and there is at least one bank account that is his only. She was surprised when the bank would not give her any info on those accounts. Hello! If you don't know those basic facts, you really need legal representation. It's a minefield she is walking into. I'll be her friend and support her emotionally as best I can. She did that for me and I have done it for her before. It is what friends do.

So she had this funny take on things. She said she expected to be alone in her later life because she just hasn't met men who have it together, can keep up with her, and are worth having around. I hear ya, sister. But her solution is to make a pact with a female friend to be there for each other. She said, "it would be like a lesbian relationship without the sex." I don't know that she has made a very good analogy, but it got me to thinking that as we all get older, we may need some kind of communal lifestyle. Who wants to live isolated in some bee-hive of a condo in Miami, alone. Not me. And I have no interest in living in a secluded "retirement" community. I want to continue being actively engaged in the world. I also don't want to be alone. I like being around people. I may or may not find a man to be in relationship with, so why not form a pact with women friends? I would love to hear about other women's experiences in this type of arrangement.

Online Dating v. Bumping in the Pool

So after my train lethario told me of his internet dating issues, I thought about my own experiences. It never seemed to work out for me, but it may be because I wrote intimidating personal statements that dared even the bravest man to ask me out. But hey, I was out there!

I have a friend who had a bad experience on e-harmony (bleh!) and has now taken the plunge again on match.com. Now "Must Love Dogs" is one of my favorite movies, and wouldn't we all love to meet John Cusack on match.com! But my friend said getting on line is more likely to help her meet someone than just sitting at home on her couch. She also said friends had suggested she troll the supermarket for dates. Ummmm. no. Like the old Animal House scene where the handsome playboy U student props Mrs. Wormer in the produce section by showing her his cusumber. I want to be able to return to my market and not make it off limits because I found a lemon there.

I tell friends that when you open yourself to others, you will meet people. When you are closed and suspicious, no one is going to talk to you. It's kind of like bumping around in a crowded pool. You can bob around and not talk to anyone or you can have fun and play with whomever you bump into. I would rather take my chances with an in-person, live encounter than putting up a persona and asking people to review it for compatibility. Ugh.

I have another friend who met her husband in the personal ads (long ago, before the internet...). I never did a personal ad. I guess I just prefer looking for in-person chemistry. I'm a hopeless romantic. My best friend and I each distinctly remember the moment we met. Kismet :)

So I embrace all the modern technologies - like blogging, twitter, facebook, linkedin, email, web page...I'm out there! There must be some guys out there for me that don't wear ill-fitting suits with wild hair or at least if they do, they have a great wit and intellect!

Moms and Daughters

I watched Grey's Annatomy today, one of my faves. There was a patient sub-story that reminded me of my mom. I just broke down. She died two years ago this Wednesday and my dad died two weeks to the day after her.

I think about why I am so moved by her death and don't feel quite the same way about my dad. Maybe it has to do with how I interacted with them, maybe it is how a child feels about their mother as opposed to their father. I don't know. But I think there is a special bond between girls and their moms. They take us through a lot of ritual, life's milestones, and present a miror for us on sexuality, beauty, againg, and parenting. I had plenty of growing up issues and disagreements with my mom, but later in life we came around to find a peace with each other - as most parents and children do - and I took care of her as best I could in her last years.

My mom was tough and resilient and creative. She was a real model for me on how to get through life. She made mistakes and some were whoppers, but she found her way through her life and lived a life she could be proud of. I hated that I found the best option was to put her in a nursing home. Not something that she ever wanted. But her husband could not care for her, she was not ambulatory, she could not care for herself and I could not care for her nor afford full time care. The only way to care for her was to put her on state assistance and find the best accommodations I could and visit her regularly and frequently. As you can read, I still beat myself up over this, knowing I had no other choice that I could make work and that I did the best I could for her.

When we are young, we never see that we might be in such a position. Our moms are always our protector, our friend, our adversary, our oppressor. Anything but our mom. It's only now that I realize what that role was and how hard it was for her to do it and how she did it anyway and usually with great love and care. I miss my mom. And even though I am not a mom, I still try to behave as she would and live up to what I will never formally be.

Attractive or Flypaper?

Just got off of a several day business trip. I was on a local train going home. It is a light rail, so you can't go from car to car. It was crowded and I had to stand in the center area. I noticed a guy standing with his back to me. He had on a cheap, polyester sport coat and had hair going in all directions. He just looked frumpy. I'm not one to judge - but he was muttering. That's what drew my attention.

He turned around and saw me. He did a double take. Uh, oh. Yep, he sauntered across the car to me. "Hi, how ya doin" he says. Fine, thanks. I am polite but avoid eye contact. No luck. "So, you're doin ok. that's good. yeah. so, train is crowded. yeah. hmmm. would you like to go for a drink?"

I kid you not, the guy props me straight up. I'm polite, "no thanks." He mutters some kind of oh, ok, response and goes back to where he was. Whew!

Uh, oh. He's back. I got a jump seat and he stands next to me. "You're very pretty. very pretty." Uh, thank you. What I am I supposed to say? I can't get away - no where to go. He goes back and forth for awhile. Continues chit chat - I don't know what I'm going to do tonight - maybe shoping, maybe a movie. You like movies? He asks my name, I reply. Should have made something up. I am not good at deception. He comes back again and I'm reading on my iphone. He says, "is that a book? Oh wow." Then proceeds to pull out some phone and starts showing me the features, and he can get internet, blah, blah. Hello. I'm trying to read here. I keep reading, he keeps talking. And he is pushy, directly asking for a response to his querries.

OMG - what to do. So I decide to be pleasant, but not engaging. The guy could be a psycho for all I know. Plus, he is trying. Most guys won't, so I don't want to completely ignore him. He keeps trying. "So, what you don't date? I guess you like to be alone? Would you like to go out?" So I just firmly, but politely say - Actually, I'm involved with someone.

He is crest fallen, but continues. "Oh, yeah, sure. Ok. Well, I know how that is. If I'm dating someone, I don't talk to other women. Yeah, I don't want her talking to other guys either. Yeah, I get it. Well, I have tried some internet dating..." He proceeds to tell me about his internet escapades and how he is not sure about it. Help!

Finally - his stop is arriving. "well, I guess I'll see you. Nice to meet you." he holds out his hand for a handshake. 'Nice to meet you too, Vinnie. Have a great weekend" I say. Oh, I forgot to mention - his name is Vinnie. It is so trite I can't believe it. He grasps my hand, then cups it with his other hand is pumping my hand and it's like he can't let go. He finally does. One more comment..."well maybe someday you'll be single again, you never know and you might want a baby." Huh?

After the door closes I see 3 people sitting across from me and they all just bust out laughing. I sheepishly laugh too and said - there was no escape! They begin to recap his strange approach and conversation. Yeah, it was wierd.

As I sat on the train I'm thinking. You get what you attract. Is this the type of person I am attracting? I need to step up my style, my look, something. I did admire his willingness to put himeself out there. But when someone says no thanks and is not returning your interest, back off! He didn't take the hint, the direct refusal, or the ignoring him while reading. It is a little depressing to think that this is the longest convo I have had with a potential date in a while and the first ask in a while too. I am not good at this, but hope my prospects improve! I should mention, he was at least 10 years younger than me. So at least I got that going for me LOL.

Does Divorce Ever End?

I took the big, bold step in 2004. I had a frightfully unfullfilling marriage and decided enough was enough. I contributed to the unfullfilling union too. I was no saint. But at some point, I realized this had not been working for a long time and I was tired of trying. For me, the decision was the best I ever made. When I made the decision, however, I was not prepared for all the detangling that must occur. We owned a house, we had a ridiculous amount of credit card debt, and my soon to be ex had not been working for 4 years. We lived in a delusional bubble where we always assumed his next job was just around the corner. Of course, as soon as I left him he had a job in 2 weeks.

Fast forward to today - 5 years later. He is once again unemployed and heading to bankruptcy court. Ok. He has to do what he has to do. Only one problem with this. His bankruptcy will shift ALL the joint debt to me. Oh crap! He will file chapter 7 to wipe his slate clean, because he has very limited income. But the creditors will not wipe out joint debt. They just go to the other person to collect. That would be me.

It seems that my only hope of avoiding a complete financial meltdown is to file chapter 13 bankruptcy first and hope I can save myself. The court will create a payment plan for 3-5 years and the creditors will have to live with whatever I give them. After that, the debt is gone. Of course, that means my disposable income will be cut to the bone. Oh joy!

I get calls from his creditors., who are really my creditors. They don't read divorce decrees. They find my address and send stuff to him at my house. It's like one of those flypaper jokes where you can't get the stuff off your fingers. Get out of my life already! I'm looking at bankruptcy - the gift that keeps on giving. I would love to get my old debt cleared away in such a way that I pay but get some relief. I need a bailout. But I don't like being forced into this because my ex can't manage his life. That's why I left. It's like being stuck in the gravitational pull of a planet you want to escape. Where is my hyperdrive?

Now that I look at the legal advice, the suggestion is to file bankruptcy before divorce and then you each get a fresh start. I was too deluded to even think that was an option then. Oh well.

So here I am in the prime of my 2nd life, facing bankruptcy. Not a pretty picture. But I have my head on straight and I just have to get through this. When it is over, I can finally celebrate my divorce.

Spring Break!

I spent my original spring break years in Florida! I travelled to every part of the state to partake of the spring break ritual while in college and high school, ruining my skin, but enjoying my Coppertown glow. Yikes!

Well, this spring break I returned to my last hometown. I moved about 10 months ago to a large city and left behind a smaller city filled with all my friends and relationships. The need to prove ourselves with a job is a venal trait of the American story. But, proving that I could go off on my own and tackle a big job in a new place was important to me. I needed to validate myself. I've moved around plenty, but always with a spouse in tow. Now that I am free to do my own thing, I'm doing it!

So spring break 2009 was all about renewing my friendships, visiting colleagues, doing some project work that I continue in this city, and generally having a grand time. It really was a bleast. I got to hang with my best friend all week and that was perfect. He is a godsend in my life because he creates a totally safe space for me to be in. When that happens, I am free to be introspective, let feelings and thoughts bubble up, find myself, and have awakenings. I made several breakthroughs on this trip, so I'll share :)

First, I retained my commitment to and feeling free of the need to get snockered. I did have a slip, but more on that later.
Second, I had some time to reflect on how binging on comfort foods and sugary treats is rooted in the same place as drinking. I really got to the heart of the matter and figured out why binging is no longer necessary in my life. I felt very good about that accomplishment!
Third, I came to a good place in my relationship with my best friend, who is my younger guy.

So the abuse of alcohol is a deeply seated response that is kind of like my default setting. Even though I now understand the root of it and have found the reason to not go there, certain things will still trigger that default response. On my last night in town I had happy hour with a very good girlfriend and got a head start on things. An hour later, I am at dinner with friends and we ordered a bottle of one of my favorite wines. Before you know it, I am sailing off to that familiar place, but not as bad as it could have been. Normally, I would have been on to the second bottle. So at least I had that much restraint! LOL

But it was my last night in the city. I was with my best friend and another close friend. I did not want to escape this trois, but it made me uneasy, nonetheless. My best friend and I have come to a platonic place. I won't go into the details, but it is what works best for us. We are wildly attracted to one another, but giving into that attraction only delays the inevitable. We want our superlative friendship more than we want to give into the carnal desire. Well, he does at least. And I have to respect that. But you may see why escape via vino on my last night in town was an easy cop out. Oh well. I am fabulous but not superwoman!

I did manage to revel all week in my latest epiphany about food. I had the same physical burden lifting feeling and same "ah-ha" awakening as with the alcohol puzzle. The week went amazingly well, food wise. Without effort, I eschewed any candy runs to the store, didn't pick up the Doritos at the quick mart, had one desert during the week which was fantastic, and maintained my veggie/seafood -tarianism better than ever! No mac and cheese, no pizza, no cheesy comfort food. I know I have gotten to the heart of it and am already absolutely changing my eating habbits. What a relief!

I have to say that this may be the best spring break week I have ever had! No tan, but so much more to work with. I love my life.